Warfare

Unfinished, incomplete and lack of substance were words that I used to describe my spoken word piece that I started drafting 8 years ago.  What I didn’t realize was that these very same words were an accurate description of my life during that season as well… Ouch!  I was blinded to this truth because I hadn’t yet fully accepted it, verbalized it nor was I ready and willing to address it.  “It” was the 2-letter word that I used to reference my internal pains that stemmed from promiscuous behavior, unconfirmed value and the need to hide my true self for fear of judgement. 
 
As the years progressed, the roller coaster continued and so did God’s grace over my life.  An ugly, emotional and gruesome stare down in the mirror started me on my journey of self-love which has led to healing, self-forgiveness and reestablishing my worth.  I now realize that this piece just like my life was unfinished, incomplete and lacked substance because at that time the magnitude of the hurt was much stronger than the love I had for myself and my relationship with God.  This all confirmed that awareness is just the beginning and not the definitive. 
 
“Warfare” is a glimpse of my pains which ultimately became the pivotal point in my journey back to wholeness.  Although my “it” may be different than the next persons I encourage anyone in warfare against themselves to be sure to let the best version of YOU win.
 
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Warfare
 
I’m just a wandering soul trapped within
In search of a window, an outlet, an escape
From this fantasy lifestyle that I’ve chosen
As I flip the pages of my brain uncovering
Hurt, disdain, low self-esteem, sexism, promiscuity and hatred
All pains associated with me internally
Yet further imposed upon me by our society
 
As I embark upon this intimate and gruesome warfare
In search of wholeness stirring inwardly
To my surprise… I realize that I am her and she is me
So when the battle is over who shall proclaim true victory
 
Without rules of engagement I approach my opponent head on
And what do I see…
This bold, beautiful, courageous and powerful woman staring back at me
She holds a great advantage because she knows all of me
My weakness, triggers, ugly truths, forbidden secrets
And now even my war strategies
Yet I still engage and attack in hopes to guard my flawed reality
 
Strike after strike I become relentless, fatigued, and all to my disadvantage
Then comes the thoughts to surrender, call it truce because I cannot bare the damage
The damage to my temple through countless intruders
The soul connections that flourished and mentally consumed us
Because I am her and she is me
 
See she wants to flee but selfishly
She remains captivated because I’m afraid to accept this new identity
Afraid of what people may think of me
Afraid to leave things behind and disassociate them from me
Afraid to do the work internally
Afraid to set my, to set my soul so free
 
And we meet again, toe to toe, soul to soul
Then she proceeds to speak into me
Over and over again
You are beautiful
You are enough
You are destined for greatness
You are valuable beyond what your eyes can see
Just the opposite of what I’d expect my opponent to boast so proudly
 
These words were more powerful than the tears, the wounds and the bloodshed
So powerful that I started to see myself differently
You know like the bold, beautiful, courageous and powerful woman staring back at me 
See my opponent’s only mission was to remind me
That self-love holds the key
To my freedom and newfound reality
 
I may have lost the battle
But I’ve gained the greatest victory and that is self-love
I love me without conditions
Without limits
And unapologetically.